How to Write a DracoOC
by haliad
Summary: After reading the umpteenth Draco/OC summary from this site, I've finally snapped. Parody on the Draco/OC genre. New addition, parodying Dramione.
1. DracoOC guide

"**Draco In Leather Pants**: When a fandom takes a controversial, antagonistic or downright villainous character and downplays his flaws, often turning him into an object of desire in the process." - _TV Tropes_

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How to Write a Draco/OC

sovereignty'd

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Greetings, fellow fic authors. This is your guide to constructing those complex and dynamic pieces that we refer to as Draco/OC fics. I know that it's a daunting task, but if you feel you are brilliant enough to write one then I suggest you read my guidelines.

Before we get to the steps, first I must introduce the protagonist of your epic fan fictions, Draco Malfoy. In the Harry Potter series, Draco is the school dick - I mean, one of Harry's many rivals. He constantly proves this by bullying students and putting down those he views as beneath him. This is done in order for JK Rowling to point out how lame and stupid Slytherins really are in contrast to the cool awesome Gryffindor protagonists. Despite Rowling's repeated attempts to portray Draco as an unlikeable character, fangirls of Draco Malfoy know better.

Fangirls have rightfully downplayed Rowling's "canon" version of Draco Malfoy in favor of a smoother, cooler and less annoying FANONDraco. Normal fans may question why fangirls have turned an antagonistic character such as Draco into a sympathetic and even heroic character, especially when he was never intended as such. Well actually, fangirls know that Draco ISN'T the elitism racist bigoted pussy that Rowling has painted him to be. No no no, Draco Malfoy is in fact a **bad boy**. Never mind that real bad boys don't normally whimper or scream in the face of an enraged hippogriff.

Understand that fangirls love bad boys, and they especially love bad boys who bully people and use the worst racial slur of the magical world - "Mudblood". Now some naysayers will claim that Mudblood can be compared to the Muggle equivalent to the "N word". In our world, the N word is so offensive that white people only refer to it as the N word so as not to upset any minorities who happen to be around. Draco may say the "M word" (Get it? M IS FOR MUDBLOOD) quite often but fangirls don't really care about that. In fact, your true Fangirliness can be tested by how well you are able to excuse or rationalize Draco's despicable behavior toward the Golden Trio.

Now that you understand more about our clearly wonderful protagonist, it is time to move onto the steps on writing a good Draco/OC fic.

**Step 1: Create your Mary Sue to pair with Draco**.

A Mary Sue is an important part of your fic. If your character doesn't have at least one Sue-trait then most readers will likely turn away. True, you can probably get away with writing a complex, multi-layered character with believable backstory, flaws and a non-stereotypical personality, but that's _boring_.

First thing you have to do is name your Sue. You have to give her a name like _Serenity_ or _Aurora_, because names like Astoria Greengrass are too hideous for the likes of Draco Lucius Malfoy.

Now that you named the Sue, the hardest part is over. Onto something infinitely more important - describing your character's appearance. Anyone who says that a character's physical appearance isn't necessary to describe are LIARS. If the reader doesn't know how hawt your Sue is then they will assume that she is UGLY and therefore not relatable. Try to mention her physical traits within the first paragraph of the fic, and if at all possible, within the first sentence. Give her gorgeous red / black / blonde locks of wavy hair and then add an unusual eye color like kaleidoscope or violet, even if violet eyes are physically impossible in real life. And of course, do not forget to describe the clothing she wears in _every_. _Single_. _Damn_. _Scene_. Because, psht, I am _not_ reading any further until I know that Serenity is wearing lots of eyeliner and a Hot Topic shirt with your favorite band on it.

We're nearly done with step 1! Now you have a name and appearance, that's all you need really. Don't worry about anything else. Character development schmaracter development. As long as readers know that your Sue is hawt... Okay okay, fine! If you _really_ want to add "dimension" to her I guess you can make her come from an abusive family. You can either overdo the abuse and have her angst and whine about it all the time OR you can have her barely acknowledge the abuse as though it has no effect on her whatsoever.

One last must to Step 1 - your Sue _must_ be related to someone. Preferably Snape or Voldemort. Better yet, fuck Snape, make her Voldemort's daughter. A spawn of Voldemort has the potential to be more awesome than any canon character, period. Ignore the fact that Voldemort breeding is **WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS**, or that ANYBODY WHO ACTUALLY READ THE BOOKS KNOW THE **MAGNITUDE OF HOW HORRIBLE** AN IDEA IT REALLY IS.

**Step 2: De-canonize Draco. **

There are certain canon facts to the series that you must ignore in order to write FANONDraco correctly. Below you'll find a list of most of those canon facts:

1. In the books, Draco is described as being pale, slender, with a thin pointed face. This might paint a picture of a not very sexy Draco. Um, WRONG! Draco is played by actor Tom Felton, therefore he is hawt.

2. In the books, Draco isn't very popular. WRONG AGAIN. It is your job as the author to depict Draco as a playboy and _God's Gift to Women_. Female students from all Houses must swoon over him and he must have lots and lots of teenage sex. Remeber, sex at Hogwarts equals good fan fiction. Be sure to have Ginny, Hermione or any other Gryffindor student admit to Draco being _God's Gift to Women_. Note the frequent use of the term _God's Gift to Women_. You are forbidden from referring to Draco in any other way when alluding to his good looks. GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN or _nothing_.

3. In the books, Draco is a tad effeminate. In other words, he is a big fat sissy. He whimpers and cowers in the face of a threat. I think you can already guess what happens to him in fanon.

4. In the books, Draco is a snobby elitist. He is also for white supremacy. Oops, scratch that, I mean _pure-blood _supremacy. These are very unpleasant character traits, so you have to write these off as misunderstandings. Yes that's right, Draco isn't really a racist bigot, he is simply _misunderstood_.

**Step 3 - Write your Draco/OC**

Yay, you're onto the last and easiest step! Contrary to popular opinion, this is the step that takes the least amount of brainwork. Some people might say that as the author, it is your responsibility to concentrate on character development, plot progression, description, dialogue and grammar. Do not listen to these people. They are_ haters_, and haters gonna hate.

In fact I encourage you to do just the opposite. Do not plan your story in a logical progression. Simply write two to three paragraphs and call it a "chapter." Do not correct your grammar or even make your sentences cohesive because that's lame. No one cares about that. Do not pay attention to something called a "plot". As long as you continue writing about Draco and your Sue doing stuff together then it doesn't much matter what happens in the story.

Aaaaand, we're finished! I hope you learned something from my guide on how to write a successful Draco/OC fic. It's important that more of these are written because there just simply aren't enough Draco/OC fics around. If you don't write one yourself, be sure to spread the word around, Draco Malfoy needs lovin' too!

;P

**CITATIONS**:

Gillesbie, Tara. "My Immortal". 2006.


	2. Dramione guide

"**Dramione**: Short hand for Draco/Hermione. This exceedingly implausible pairing is nonetheless quite popular, and thus has its very own name." - _Urban Dictionary_

_**AN/** This chapter amps up some of the course language, and begins by bashing a certain author for the sake of comedy (and I totally don't mean it!). You've been warned. _

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Not for the first time, JK Rowling totally fucked up the Harry Potter series.

She had two canon characters who are opposites. Hermione Granger - a Gryffindor, muggleborn, supporter of Harry Potter, and an all around annoying goody two shoe. Then there's Draco Malfoy - the Slytherin, pure-blood, supporter of Voldemort, and generally a bad apple. Naturally, the two were pitted enemies who loathed one another. Of course everyone knows what that means - THEY ARE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AND MUST BE PAIRED TOGETHER.

And yet, they're not. Thanks a lot JK Rowling, you bitch.

With that I welcome you to your **Fabulous Dramione Fan Fic Guide**. Now I know what you're thinking.

"_Wouldn't Ronald Weasley would be better suited for Hermione. I mean, Ron and Hermione are opposites, they argue, they have chemistry. So why not them?_"

Because for one thing, Ron is lame. He's a ginger, and nobody likes gingers. He's also an idiot. Plus Draco treats Hermione even worse than Ron ever could, so that means that Draco loves her EVEN MORE. The worse a guy treats a girl, the more that they are meant for each other. Everyone knows that Rowling had planned Draco/Hermione to begin with, but when it became too obvious for the fandom, she flipped pairings on us so that Ron/Hermione would surprise us. I mean who the fuck saw that Ron/Hermione was going to happen? Seriously.

I already covered a lot of ground in my Draco/OC guide. Those steps can already be applied with a Dramione fic, so here we'll be focusing on the actual content that a Dramione fic should have.

**Chapter One - Draco is abused by Daddy Dearest. **That's right. Lucius Malfoy, pimp daddy, beats his son. Never mind that Lucius is actually seen to spoil Draco quite a bit in canon. Lucius owns a pimp cane, so of course he beats his wife and son. It's also an excellent way for Draco to gain sympathy from readers. Every time Draco acts like a complete jerk-ass, readers can go, "Well he's totally justified, his daddy beats him!" See how that works?

**Chapter Two - Hermione gets a makeover.** If Hermione doesn't have a makeover in your Dramione fic, just go ahead and delete your story already. No, I mean it - go delete it! There is no way you can pair up Hermione in that hideous state she is in. For God's sake, she has_ bushy hair_! And _crooked teeth_! She wears _butt-ugly sweaters_! GOD MAKE IT STOP! So Hermione gets her summer makeover from Ginny and Fleur or whoever, then she shows up to Hogwarts wowing everybody. Because in the end, its looks that really only matter.

**Chapter Three - The Platform Scene**. First, Draco and Hermione run into each other and Draco is left speechless by how totally hawt Hermione is. They then learn that he is Head Boy and she is Head Girl. No one saw _that_ coming! After awhile of openly staring at each other, Hermione leaves to reunite with Ron and Harry. This scene is vital in portraying Ron as an _**abusive asshole**_. Now hear me out. In order to get those pesky Ron/Hermione shippers off your back, you have to portray Ron in a negative light so that your readers will realize that Ron is totally wrong for Hermione and that Draco is in fact her true soul mate for evah and evah.

Ron should yell at her, insult her, hit her, push her, call her a whore. Whatever OOCness it takes to mold Ron into the abusive jerk that we all know he secretly is. Some people might not like this Ron. They'll argue that in canon Ron is clearly better for Hermione because he shows genuine affection for her. Unlike Draco, Ron doesn't call her racial slurs, which is pretty abusive in of itself. But that doesn't matter, Draco is still less abusive than Ron because... er... wait...

**Chapter Four - Head Dorms**. That's right, they're sharing Head dorms. What an exciting and not-overdone way to have two characters interact. It also provides for an opportunity to have Draco or Hermione walk around in nothing but a towel after a shower. Why? So they may ogle each other! Yes, Hermione with her soaked wavy brown hair and lithe body that has curves in all the right places. Draco with his Quidditch-toned rippling body, platinum blonde hair and stormy gray eyes. Shit yes.

Ahem. Anyway.

**Chapter Five - In which they argue up a shit storm**. Here's the thing. Fights are hawt. There's something about being insulted and verbally abused that gets a girl wet in the panties. Have Hermione and Draco constantly arguing for about a week. It doesn't really matter what they argue about. In fact, the more petty the fight is, the better. And don't hold back on the insults either. Insults equal love. Any time, and I mean ANY TIME, a guy insults a girl, it means he secretly loves her and wants to have her babies. It's a scientific fact.

**Chapter Six - Bugger, we have to deal with the Death Eater thing now**. You can go one of two routes with this. You can ignore cannon, pretend it never happened, Draco was never a Death Eater so ha! Face it, it won't be the first time you've ignored a canon flaw in favor of a fanonized!Draco.

Or you can go the second route. Play up the Draco-was-forced-to-become-a-Death-Eater-ANGST story line. An angsty Draco is a sexy Draco. After Hermione walks in on a weeping Draco as he clutches his Dark Mark'd arm, she's going to realize that Draco so did not want to be a Death Eater and that Daddy made him!

**Chapter Seven - In which Draco and Hermione are locked in a closet**. So someone (preferably Harry and Ron) concocts the BRILLIANT scheme of throwing those two love birds in a closet. I don't know why, but this plot idea never gets old. After more arguing, Draco and Hermione will realize that the cramped closet is in fact a metaphor for the newfound intimacy that they suddenly have for each other. They start making out. Score!

Obviously by this point, Draco is so over his "pure-blood supremacy" phase and is totally hawt for Hermione. And Hermione no longer gives a shit about Ron, Harry, Gryffindor, fighting Voldemort, her modesty or her ethics. All she knows is that Draco is tonguing her ear and she knows a spell which can conjure up a pack of condoms. How romantic.

**Chapter Eight - Wait, there is no chapter eight**! Generally speaking, fan fic stories are usually abandoned by the time that the two leads have hooked. Because who wants to read about their relationship hurdles? All I really care about is that they've had sex. So don't worry about continuing the story. If you do decide on continuing, make sure it has a really contrived plot line. Something about Voldemort and horcruxes and Draco hiding out with the Order. Something stupid like that.

So we're at the end of our sacred Dramione guide. I hope you've learned something, boys and girls. Peace out.


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